Oh it’s not going anywhere. Rubbish, maybe the controller’s broken.

What do you mean accelerate isn’t R2? Accelerate is always R2. What is it then, and why wouldn’t it be R2?

Square? Ha ha! Don’t be stupid, no one in their right mind would affix square to accelerate.

Well you say that, but here it is. It’s not a game for children, in that the main character is a scary bleedin’ clown with a penchant for abduction, and the whole storyline hinges on an attempt to snatch back the only person to escape ol’ squeaky shoes’ clutches.

Obviously the gentleman who constructs elaborate race tracks on which drivers must kill or be killed is able to grant such a request because... well let’s not delve too far into the laughably silly storyline, it makes as much sense as window envy.

The big deal with Twisted Metal is the online jobbie. You’re driving a car equipped with high-powered machine gunnery, and looksie, so are 15 others, none of whom seem bothered with obeying the road rules, even those that apparently exist in Italy.

Ultimately you’ll have had enough driving and blasting after about half an hour, so repetitive is the formula here. Different arena keep matters reasonably fresh, but the gameplay changes less often than the smelly kid you went to school with.

If you didn’t go to school with one, it’s you.