WHAT a kerfuffle, and no mistake! First, Sir Terry Wogan confidently announces that Cyndi will represent the UK at this year's Eurovision Song Contest, then quickly backtracks to say that Scooch (featuring Poole performer Russ Spencer) will be flying the Union flag in Helsinki instead.

But what do you expect from a TV phone vote, a system so discredited it wouldn't even do for a Zimbabwean election? Let's just be thankful that Richard and Judy aren't representing us instead, or some poor child that just happened to be passing the Blue Peter studio.

As Sir Terry said, "Nobody died, it's a television programme." Quite.

And, be honest, even if Sir Paul McCartney, Sir Elton John or Lord Eric of Clapton himself were to win the Making Your Mind Up contest, they'd have only three chances of winning - fat, slim and (most probably, this) none.

Because Great Britain - or Grand Bretagne, Le Royaume-Uni, or whatever - would still come second in a popularity contest with a field of one.

The UK could put up an angelic choir singing the most heavenly tune of all time, and Norway would still vote for Sweden's Dinga-donga-duck, Denmark for Finland's Ping-pong-poo, and vice-versa while Turkey would rather support even Greece than us.

We are the Leeds and Millwall combined of kitsch pop contests, so, please, just forget about actually winning Eurovision ever again. Instead let's simply rig the vote so that the biggest loser, preferably looking like a shop-soiled Christmas tree, goes through.

In which case, get your money on The Darkness's Justin Hawkins for next year.