WHERE would we be without the euphemism? Up a well-known creek without a paddle, linguistically.

According to author Robert Holder, who is publishing the latest edition of his book on the subject, How Not To Say What You Mean, euphemisms are the most important branch of the English language because "they are the way it develops".

Don't believe him? Well, over the past 20 years he has collected more than 11,000 examples of euphemism from the sombre "economical with the truth" to the delightfully naughty "hide the sausage" and he has noticed a distinct shift in the way we use them.

And boy do we use them.

They are our hardest-working language tool. They can allow us to be kind; talking about the "fuller-figured" when we really mean fat, or "tired and emotional" when we mean drunk.

They can help disguise our grief or our fear of the unknown when talking about those who have fallen "asleep with Jesus", are "no longer with us" or who have "kicked the bucket" when we mean dead. (According to Holder we have moved from an era, 20 years ago, when people were "pushing up daisies" to one where we are, with a nod to Cockney rhyming slang, "brown bread".) When it comes to the "birds and the bees", euphemisms are positively working overtime. We enjoy ourselves with "rumpy-pumpy", "slap and tickle", and "getting our leg over" although, if you read Private Eye magazine you might prefer "discussing Ugandan affairs" which is said to refer to an alleged event, lost in the mists of time, concerning a politician and a lady who claimed that's what they were doing when challenged by those who thought they were doing something else. If you "catch my drift".

The joy of euphemism is that there's always something new coming along. In the past, Cockney rhyming slang provided some of the happiest and most colourful phrases, from "pain in the 'aris", to wearing a "syrup".

Now, more often than not, our newest euphemisms are being supplied by our American cousins who have an embarrassment of riches when it comes to sources for new ones.

If it isn't the Mafia and its penchant for having people "whacked" instead of killed, or dispatching them to "sleep with the fishes", it's the gangs of LA who are leading the linguistic charge.

The Gangs Or Us website helpfully lists the patois they use, from "academy" meaning jail, through to the popular "chillin'", for relaxing, to "draped" for wearing a lot of jewellery. Or, surely, "bling".

And then, of course, there is political correctness which has given us perhaps some of the most convoluted euphemisms of all. No one may be described as physically handicapped any more, they are "differently abled" and all bad behaviour is now described as "challenging".

In wars, civilian casualties have become "collateral damage" whereas death at the hands of your allies is known as "friendly fire".

Sex changes are "gender reassignments", spendthrifts are "negative savers" and when you flash your underwear or, in the case of Janet Jackson, a lot worse, you are experiencing a "wardrobe malfunction".

But is this wrong? Is it fun? Or is it sometimes dangerous not to call a spade a spade?

Holder is inclined to think so. He believes euphemism is "the language of evasion, of hypocrisy, of prudery and of deceit," which makes it all the more important to be able to see through it all to the true meaning.

His book will certainly help.

  • How Not To Say What You Mean, £9.99