I HAVE survived the English for three long winters without permanent damage. I think that makes me an expert in that field.

This point was brought home when I appeared as a guest on an internet chat recently. My audience was mainly Indians looking to study in England, all eager to hear about my English experience.

Knowing full well the peril any alien would face once he/she arrived here, not to mention the risks the unwitting English would run by having them around, I have put together a few tips, lest one group harm the other.

Here goes ABROAD it is silly to say "please". In England it is silly not to.

No Englishman - or woman - will entertain your request without it; in fact, should you be fool enough to forget the magic word, an Englishman is required by law to put you to painful public death before sundown, or, at the very least, pull himself to maximum height, stare down his nose, and say, with the coldness of an Arctic winter: "I beg your pardon, sir!"

So, please, start your sentence with a please; end it with another, please.

  • If hedging was an Olympic sport, the English would win it every single time.

By hedging, I mean what is known as "beating around the bush".

The English are marvellous at it.

They consider it the height of rudeness to come straight to the point, especially if they have a request. They prep themselves lavishly with "hmms", "hahs2, and the weather.

As a considerate fellow, you must entertain this. You must grant them their time. They will make their point - usually within the year!

By the same token, resist the urge to make direct requests.

If you want to borrow a pen, it won't do to yell across: "Mind if I use that for a minute?"

Start with apologies. Say you are dreadfully sorry for making a nuisance of yourself. After five minutes or so of the same, you may mention the pen in a meandering fashion: "I was just wondering... um, in normal circumstances I wouldn't even dream of asking you this, but, um, I find myself in a terrible situation today... of course, it is my own fault, and, um, it is really quite silly of me to bother you, I know, but in case you are not using that pen, er, if you can possibly spare it, I mean, would you mind terribly if I borrowed it for a minute - only if you don't need it."

Look suitably apologetic and embarrassed when you make this request.

Also, do note the very last part of that sentence: you must, must leave an honourable exit for the other.

  • NEVER jump a queue - and ensure you don't start one accidentally.

The English are passionate about queuing. They derive immense pleasure from the exercise and are never more content than when they are in a long queue.

And the English will queue at the drop of the hat. An Englishman will be hurrying home, desperate for his cup of tea and buttered scone, when, lo, he sees you admiring a particularly attractive mannequin. This is where you have to be careful.

If perchance you have placed yourself behind some other idiot like yourself, the Englishman will rub his hands gleefully. By the time you turn around and realise your mistake, there will be a solid line all the way to Scotland.

>li> DON'T tell an Englishman to shut up. He will drop dead with shock. Being an alien I have always considered "Aw, shut up!", "Buzz off", "Drop dead", "Get a life", essentials in any conversation.

They don't quite like that in England.

Trouble with the English is, even in their rudeness they are polite.

In most other places if you want to tell someone their work sucks, you would say (and here I quote my ex-editor-in-chief), "That's drivel, you prat. Rewrite it now!"

The correct way to put that sentiment across in England, however, is: "Excellent! This is very good work! Very good work indeed! But perhaps you could consider smoothening out the edges a bit? Oh, no, you don't have to rewrite the whole piece! Just do the lead, and the bit in the middle, and the end, if you can possibly spare the time."

  • MANY of us aliens complain how "cold" the English are. This isn't strictly true. It isn't in the English blood to be overtly friendly. In my country five minutes after you meet a stranger it is quite common to invite him home for dinner. In England it will take a few years.

For one, an Englishman considers his house not just his castle, but, as social anthropologist Kate Fox puts it, "the embodiment of his privacy rules... his identity, his main status indicator and his prime obsession".

He's careful about who he lets in.

Second, because the English cherish their privacy so much, it doesn't occur to them you actually look forward to company. In fact, quite often, when you feel they are being standoffish, they are trying to respect your private space.

When this happens, you must not feel offended. Forgive them - remember, they are only English - and show them the correct path by asking them home.

  • IF an Englishman asks you, "Are you all right?", do not worry. It's not because you look sick. Nor should you take it as an invitation to unburden all your troubles on him. It's just his way of asking "How are you?"

EPILOGUE: Should any of you feel compelled to accuse me of intellectual theft from the Hungarian humourist George Mikes, let me say it is not because I am not capable of originality. He just happened to get here first.