WHAT is going on in the world of ventriloquism these days?

Barely two weeks have passed since the trauma of discovering what looked like Orville being used as a fashion garment on Strictly Come Dancing, when, lo and behold, it appears that his very best friend, Cuddles the Monkey has been turned into a hairpiece.

Well, what else could that have been on Ken Dodd's head on this week's Songs Of Praise (Sunday BBC1, 4.25pm)?

There I was, peeling carrots and marvelling at the sound of the beautiful choir, when up popped the Dodster, mad of eye, teeth at the ready and with a suspiciously orange barnet.

Don't get me wrong, funny-man Ken is a showbiz legend. Everybody loves him and those crazy marathon concert tours he does, and none more so than the good folks of Bournemouth.

In fact, did you know, Doddy was responsible for the Pavilion toilets exploding?

During one of his mega-gigs he kept the audience in their seats for so long, regaling them with his chuckle-some anecdotes that they were all bursting for a pee by the time he'd taken his final bow. There followed a terrifying stampede for the loos, which, like most of the audience were of a certain age, and the rest, as they say, is history.

Anyway, that's all good and well, and he was on Songs of Praise in celebration of his 80th birthday, but does that excuse monkey puppet abuse? I think not.

Sitting, legs tightly crossed, through hours of Doddiness is one thing, but sitting through what felt like days of the astonishing self-indulgent drivel that is Long Way Down (Sunday, BBC2, 9pm) is another.

How did that TV meeting go?

Ewan McGregor: "My mate Charlie's dad made a film called The Emerald Forest and Charlie was in it, so he's quite famous and me and him wanted to get away from the wives for a wee while, but they weren't having it so we got a publisher to pay us to write about going on a long bike trip. Just the two us. Now we need to get away again, and we haven't got an excuse so could you pay for a trip and we'll let you film us?"

TV Goon: "What a splendid idea. When can you saddle up?"

EM: "Just as soon as you sign here, luvvie."

TVG: "Oh, hang on, what exactly will you be doing again?"

EM: "Er, nothing, but we're famous so the punters will watch anyway."

TVG: "Splendid..."

I mean most of us film our holidays on a handy-cam these days, but to be honest, they are more for the children to watch when they're older; even if you've been on the best holiday ever, you still can't be bothered to watch it back - let alone expect anybody else to.

So why would we want to watch Ewan McGregor and Charlie Boorman's unbelievably dull footage of a trip they took on their motorbikes?

What the programme-makers think is the USP - that they are going from John O'Groats to the back of beyond - actually makes it worse, because you know it's going to go on, and on, on...

The pair, who have nothing of note to say about where they are/where they're going, just mug to the camera, look smug and giggle a lot (probably at how much their getting away with).

This week we learned that it was just Ewan, Charlie and miles of open road.

Oh, and a crew of about 20 blokes following them in dirty great 4x4s.

Highlights this week were some of the crew not getting visas, but it didn't matter anyway, and Boorman (give a dog a bad name) lighting a fart.

Come back Michael Palin, all is forgiven.

And talking of come-backs.

Popping briefly into The Square it was nice to see that one of their classic plot-lines is still going strong.

Number four in the EastEnders Guide to Recycling Storylines: The Double-bluff, Cheating-at-Poker plot was dusted off and given a good airing. I was on the edge of my seat, even though I knew what was going to happen.

And seeing as we're heading for Christmas, I've got fingers crossed that my all-time favourite could be on the rota - number two: The Trying To Top Yourself/Somebody on New Year's Eve (with mascara running down face) While The Rest of The Square Sing Auld Lang Syne in the Vic.

Come on script department, Peggy's wig is fresher than these old chestnuts and even that's starting to look a bit like Nooky Bear in a wind tunnel... come to think of it, has anyone seen Nooky recently?