UNLIKE Jose Mourinho (whatever happened to him, by the way?), I don't think of myself as special.

In fact, if pushed, I'd say I was just average. An ordinary bloke.

And now, thanks to documentary maker Tim Wardle, who has travelled the length and breadth of Britain in search of Norman Normal, we have a yardstick to gauge just how ordinary we really are.

Wardle, working on a Channel 4 show called In Search of Mr Average, thought he'd found his man in a school caretaker from Kent.

But he didn't quite fit the bill as Britain's Most Average Man because he drove a Vauxhall Zafira, considered quite exotic compared with the average Ford Fiesta.

That's me out, then, as the closest I've come to a Fiesta was a Fiat Uno, which I sold because it was getting increasingly difficult squeezing myself into it.

And that's another reason I can't bask in well-deserved anonymity - I'm a good few inches above the average 5ft 9in, weigh more than 13 stone and my feet are bigger than the average size 10.

I'm also older than the average 40, although I guess I probably conform to type by being captured on CCTV 300 times a day.

My house is worth more than the average £200,000 (for the moment, at least), but that's not remotely out of the ordinary in Bournemouth.

I probably do own the average 22 pairs of socks, although matching them up is beyond me - and there's a good chance I've already consumed the 35,000 biscuits an average chap will eat in his lifetime.

Drink three cups of tea a day? Check. Own at least three TVs? Check. Can cook at least four meals, including spaghetti bolognese? Check.

But, unlike Mr Average, I don't hate Brussels sprouts - in fact, I quite like them.

The average man can expect to say "sorry" a staggering 1.9 million times (sorry, but that can't be right), and will spend 45 hours a year "on hold" on the telephone - sometimes it feels like I can do that in a single week. And because I'm a journalist, I've got considerably more than 80 contacts in my mobile phone.

I also have 50 per cent more than the average quota of two children.

As for the average man having sex eight times a month, I'd better take a rain check on that one, as the Americans would say - anyone who's fathered three children will know why.