SHOULD I TELL MY FAMILY I GAVE A CHILD UP FOR ADOPTION 30 YEARS AGO?

Almost 30 years ago, I found myself pregnant and on my own, after my then boyfriend dumped me as soon as he found out. At the time I was only 18 and just about to start college. I left it so long - I kept hoping it wasn’t happening - which, I know, was foolish. I decided to give my baby girl up for adoption, as it seemed like the best thing to do for her at the time.

I have never stopped wondering if I did the right thing. I have thought about her often and always hoped and prayed that she has had a better life than I could have given her. and will one day get in touch.

Although that’s what I want, I’m still terrified, as I’ve not told my husband or my two children by him (25 and 22).

How they would react to knowing they have a step-daughter/elder sister of 29, I can’t imagine, but my 25-year-old and his fiancee are now expecting a baby of their own and it’s brought it all back to me. Should I tell them - just in case my daughter should reappear?

FIONA SAYS: TALKING TO THEM SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD IDEA I am sure it has been very hard for you to carry this secret for so long, but I feel you would be wise to talk to your family, if only to prepare them should your daughter decide she wants to see you.

I would suggest you tell your husband first. He may need time and space to adjust to the idea, but unless you led him to believe he was marrying a virgin, I’m sure he knows you had relationships before him. Your children will naturally also be surprised, perhaps shocked - as much as anything else because it might change their view of you. Instead of just being ‘mum’, you will be someone with a past. They may well be quite excited by the idea of an older sister they didn’t know they had. When you are ready do please add your details to the Adoption Contact Register at the General Register Office. It’s the place to either find a birth relative or an adopted person. It is also the place to register the fact that you don’t want to be contacted, if that’s what you decide. This isn’t a tracing service though. If you are in England, the organisation ‘First 4 Adoption’ would be a good place to start to find out more, and I would urge you to look at their website (first4adoption.org.uk) for more information.

You need to be prepared for the possibility, however, that your adopted daughter never contacts you.

However, many people who are adopted do at some point become curious about their birth parents, so it may still happen in the future.