Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton can breathe easy - the search for the year's worst film is over and they are nowhere to be seen in Meet The Spartans.

Or rather, their likenesses appear in Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer's execrable spoof of the sword and sandals romp 300, but Emily Wilson and Nicole Parker's look-alikes bear little resemblance to the genuine headline-chasing articles.

The latest, ahem, comedy from the creators of Scary Movie, Date Movie and Epic Movie is a truly soul-crushing experience.

Friedberg and Seltzer lack imagination and invention, plumping for the most obvious targets like the homoeroticism between male combatants, bombarding the screen with as many celebrity imitators as they can muster before we flee the cinema and demand our money back.

Almost without exception, the impersonators are so bad, you have to wait for them to be addressed by name to realise who they are.

Thus in the end credits, one man is identified as Tom Cruise simply because the hero batters him with a baseball bat while screaming, "I'm gonna set Katie free!"

An actor mimicking Simon Cowell on the American Idol panel is laughable - although not in a good way. Thankfully, he's kicked into the Pit Of Death along with a woeful, shaven-headed Britney Spears and President Bush.

We're sorely tempted to demand the same punishment for the writer-directors. Homages to TV programmes including America's Next Top Model will mean nothing to UK audiences, while a beer commercial with the jingle "Mr Warmongering Latent Homosexual" isn't funny after the first chorus let alone the sixth.

Meet The Spartans should be introduced as an alternative to capital punishment.

From the opening Casino Royale torture sequence to the post end credit appearance of Rambo mumbling "When you're pushed, killing's as easy as... dancing!" the film drives us relentlessly towards a prescription for anti-depressants.

  • See it at the Empire and Odeon