WHY aye, there'll be nae gannin' oot on the toon the nite, like, because the brand-new series of the X-Factor is aboot to kick off and the new judge is none other than Tyneside's own Cheryl Cole.

Squeaking queen Sharon Osbourne has gone (cue Dannii Minogue launching into a chorus of "Ding, Dong, the witch is dead ...") and jumping eagerly on to her still-warm throne is the Girls Aloud member, fresh from all the red tops' front pages, thanks to the sordid shenanigans of her footballer husband, little Ashley Cole, some, er, "lady" fans and the resulting splits, reunions (tearful, natch), splits, etc etc thereof.

La Osbourne is said to have finally flounced out for real after she was refused a £500,000 pay rise. Come on, that's half-a-million quid, Shazza!

"I think her demands were unreasonable," says X Factor boss Richard Holloway.

"From a financial point of view, it was absolutely right to say there was no more money."

And now, in a weird, post-modern irony, Cole, the contestant who won a TV talent contest, is now a judge on the mother of all talent shows.

Ms Minogue, while relieved to be shot of her nemesis - it's common knowledge that she and Osbourne did not get on and "leaks" about behind-the-scenes fights, walk-outs and allegations of bullying were common throughout last year's series - seems furious that a younger, shinier model has been brought in to share, even nick, her limelight, but she's feigning delight, obviously.

The Australian singer, who lives in the permanent shadow of her sister, Kylie, said: "Everybody's jumping on me going, What's Cheryl like? Are you two fighting yet?' Well, I've only had a few days of filming with her so far, so let's wait and see ... It'll be interesting to see how she handles it." Miaow.

Brave words, Dannii, but have you ever seen our Cheryl, armed with her Hermes Birkin on a night out with her bandmates?

So, yet more controversy (of whose making, I wonder) surrounds the show before it even starts, but all of this will pale into insignificance when the first gurning granny or set of terrible twins steps in front of the judges and warbles out their own unique version of Michael Jackson's Thriller.

For it's the losers, not the winners, who provide the real entertainment in X-Factor and as long as there's that endless stream of no-hopers making up the best part of the early shows, it's very entertaining.

But ignoring those crazy-haired, goggle-eyed freaks, Simon Cowell, king of the judges, is hoping for another Leona Lewis or a "unique" X Factor winner this year.

"I'll never forget the day that Leona Lewis walked into the audition room and I want to have that same feeling again," he said. "It's not always the obvious ones.

"You win this show, you make the right record and you can become an international star - it's as simple as that.

"Leona Lewis is the biggest reality show winner in history. Fact.

"It's because of The X Factor and that's what this show can do for you."

The ultra-violet-toothed music mogul reckons he'll have the international success of Amy Winehouse firmly in mind when judging hopefuls on the new series.

"I want someone who is going to represent this country all over the world over the next ten, 20 years - that's what I'm looking for," Cowell explained. "I want somebody who is different and unique. I want to find somebody as good as Amy Winehouse - I'd love to do that."

Back to the crazy-haired, goggle-eyed freaks then, Si.