WIFE-bashing, child cruelty, police assault and sausage theft... you won't find that on PS3.
But down at Bournemouth's Russell-Cotes Museum on Fridays they are packing them in with Punch and Judy who, contrary to a recent survey which claimed the traditional entertainment is dying out, are alive and well and whacking seven politically incorrect bells out of each other.
The shows are part of the museum's summer children's programme and, says marketing development manager Kerry Curtis, are a direct link to the building's Victorian past.
"Watching Punch and Judy is a great British seaside tradition," she says. "The children here are enjoying something that their great-great-grandparents would be able to relate to."
And they love it.
The 40 or so youngsters who gathered in the museum's garden for the 11.30am performance on Friday were enthralled as Mr Punch and his dysfunctional family fought the law, each other, a doctor, a crocodile and Old Nick, the devil himself.
They screamed. They shouted. And they laughed as the slapstick victim count mounted.
Mums Claire Hammond and Sara Old brought their children along to share the fun.
"It's quite violent but they can tell it's only pretend," says Claire.
Her daughter Fleur, four, was very enthusiastic. Her best bit? "When he was hitting everyone!" Was she scared of the crocodile? "No!"
Three-year-old Lauren Old was frightened of the croc, who eats the sausages that Mr Punch is entrusted to look after.
"But I don't think it'll give her nightmares," says mum, Sara. "I think it's brilliant they can come down here on a summer's day and see a free show like this."
Were either mums concerned about the traditional violence in the show? "No," says Claire, firmly. "They know it's only pretend."
Punch and Judy man Professor Carl Durbin (all Punch and Judy men are styled Professor) agrees.
"The reason kids love it is because they know that Mr Punch is being bad and that he's doing things they can't do and that no one should do."
Professor Durbin has been a Punch and Judy man (and a clown and magician) all his working life and is also chairman of the Punch and Judy Fellowship, which boasts no less a comedic giant than Ken Dodd as its patron.
Punch, says the Professor, started life as an Italian character, Punchinello.
"His first recorded appearance in this country was in 1662 at a performance at Covent Garden, witnessed by the diarist Samuel Pepys."
Punch's appeal, he says, is that he represents Everyman, an ordinary fellow who triumphs over all the things - and people - who are sent to try us.
"In the Victorian era you would get arrested and sent to prison by the Beadle, just for something small like stealing a bread roll. If you called a doctor out you'd be charged money for him to bleed you or do something else that didn't work and made you feel worse. And you always had the church preaching that if you did the slightest wrong thing, you'd be sent to hell with the devil. No wonder people loved to see Punch get one over on all these people and in the end, cheat death itself."
His show follows the traditional format - he doesn't do political correctness.
He caught the Punch and Judy bug at the age of four, after witnessing a performance on Weston-Super-Mare beach.
"I knew that's what I wanted to do," he says.
Performances are given in a canvas striped booth, and a backstage tour reveals that there's hardly room to swing a string of sausages, let alone a cat. On the left are a row of hooks at waist height; "I line all the puppets up there for my left hand and when I've finished with them I drop them into my bag." The right hand and his right arm are reserved for Mr Punch and his slapstick, the satisfyingly noisy device used to beat every character in the story and from which the phrase "slapstick comedy" is derived.
His swazzle - the device he puts in his mouth to produce Punch's celebrated voice - looks like a mini-Shredded Wheat on a string and stays in situ for the entire performance. Unless, of course, he's unlucky enough to swallow it.
Has it happened to him? "Twice! But they say you're not a proper Punch and Judy Professor if you've never swallowed your swazzle!"
- Punch and Judy can be seen at the Russell-Cotes Museum at 11.30am, 1.30pm and 2.30pm every Friday until August 29. Go to russell-cotes.bournemouth.gov.uk
- A knock-out Punch for Swanage seafront - in the magazine with Saturday's Daily Echo.
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