SOMETIMES I'm grumpy, most times I'm happy, on the odd occasion I'm dopey and for the rest of the time, I'm any and every one of the other four dwarves.

But if you want a modern-day fairytale, look no further than the British Household Panel Survey.

Because if you want a taste of the fanciful, the incredible or even the downright ridiculous, look no further than statistics to show that people living in Poole, Bournemouth and Christchurch are considerably unhappier than folk living in Manchester.

Of course, coming from that city as I do, I'm well placed to pour scorn on the notion.

But while the place has grown from being a grimy Northern metropolis in to a sophisticated (yes really) and cosmopolitan centre of culture, I can think of 101 reasons why I'm happy to be living in Poole and not the suburban outskirts of the rainy city.

Even more bizarrely, there are towns that rate higher in the happiness stakes than Dorset that I wouldn't visit to buy petrol if I were desperate.

So who on earth are the subjects of these surveys?

Have they managed to tap in to Dorset's biggest moaners and whingers - the type of people who moan about the Red Arrows flying overhead - or is there a hardcore of individuals living within us who seriously can't stand being close to some of the most stunning beaches and glorious countryside in the country?

Either way, the only way you'd get me back to Manchester is a couple of tickets to Old Trafford... and a fast car to get back down the M6.