I've never really been a fan of toilet humour. I have, however, experienced some terrifying toilets in my time. Mostly in France, either in small towns on the Somme that would have made the first day of the Battle of the Somme look preferable, or in motorway rest areas.

I've never managed to work out where you're supposed to put your feet while keeping your balance and not making a mess all over your shoes.

Recent experiences on holiday in France have not left me feeling flushed with success either.

My three-year-old daughter has been toilet trained for a long time.

But she still likes to use the "I need a wee" ploy almost as soon as we get in the car.

Over an eight-hour journey you get to see a lot of toilets.

They soon start to merge into one, a sort of collective memory of lavatories until you become convinced that you are travelling along a loop of autoroute and stopping at the same rest area to go to the same toilet block about every 30 miles or so.

Even on relatively simple days "need a wee" rings out when my littlest daughter is bored.

And in France it's not always a question of going to spend a penny - more a question of in for a penny in for a pound.

The delightful Loire chateau at Chambord has a very posh toilet building in the square where the cafes are.

"Let's just take the kids to the loo before we go in to the chateau," I suggested to my wife.

And we walked in the direction of the toilets.

Forty centimes, said the sign above the entrance.

I'll convert that for all you Europhiles - it's the best part of 30p or more.

At 30p a wee I'd expect a quartet playing chamber (pot) music and golden lavatory seats.

"Still, they won't charge for the kids," I said.

But they did.

My wife and two kids at 40 centimes a go makes one Euro and 20 centimes.

More than a pound!

Apparently the sour-faced woman on the desk where you pay (it's true, every word) told my wife that kids use the same amount of water as adults when they wee and she had to pay for that water so we had to pay to wee.

I suggested that we just let the girls wee against a lamppost, but I bet the toilet woman runs after dog owners to charge them too.

So the moral of the story, and my top holiday tip should you be visiting Chambord, is to wait until you get into the chateau.

The toilets were free inside!

  • My favourite story of the week is the Local Government Association advice that the game of British Bulldog should be encouraged in schools.

Remember running from one wall to another while fellow pupils tried to catch you?

Surely it's too rough now.

Someone might get hurt. And even worse someone might get sued because someone got hurt.

Fair play to the LGA for this brave, and unexpected stance.

This decision was greeted with delight by members of the Campaign Against Political Correctness, who came out with the brilliant line that the name would have to be less patriotic and aggressive to suit modern tastes and maybe "International Poodles" would be more appropriate.

Too rough or too woof?