Thursday July 16, 2009: My Macmillan nurse came today. She reassured me that my tiredness is completely normal for several reasons:

A: the effect the chemo has had on my body/fitness levels

B: the psychological affect of the cancer on my body/fitness levels

C: that I am still very ill.

She was also very clear that although it was positive news on Thursday we are still all dealing with a massive thing.

She was shocked when we told her that it felt that some people seemed to expect things to go back to normal now that we have had ‘good’ news. She agreed that there’s no way we should expect that of ourselves.

I feel a lot better now – it’s almost like I had been feeling guilty for not feeling any different. But really what’s changed? I may have slightly longer to live than I thought I would. Hoo bloody ray!

Oh of course I’m pleased that I’ll be able to take Leah to school for her first days. I’ll get to spoil them for another birthday each and Christmas but at 35 years of age another year to live doesn’t feel like much to celebrate.

My nurse did agree with my consultant that trying to improve my fitness levels could only be a good thing but not to push myself too hard.

I was meant to be going to the class at the Village Hotel for ward 10 and 11 patients today but I just couldn’t bring myself to go.

It would be awful – full of old, ill people.

I know that’s a prejudice but I can just imagine it and just couldn’t do it.

So I’m going to do it by myself and just do a bit of walking each day, also get Kev to get the Wii back from Barry and get on the fitness board.

That’s got some light, gentle yoga and aerobics moves on it.

Maybe if I get fitter the spare tyre lodged around my middle may budge!