It's been 5 weeks since I've written in here and it feels like a long five weeks.

My emotional reaction to the second dose of the trial drug was different to the 'breakdown' but just as debilitating - in some ways it was worse because I was up and active but just so volatile & irrational.

I had surges of rage that I could never have imagined previously - these resulted in panic attacks when I calmed down & realised the implications of what had happened.

I didn't trust myself to be left alone with the girls and even worried about going out shopping on my own incase someone looked at me the wrong way or something ridiculous.

Poor Kev took the brunt of it again - as always. Sometimes I just feel so lonely - one night just after my second dose of chemo I actually phoned the Samaritans because I couldn't settle and relax, Kev had gone out (at my insistence), Mel had phoned but I couldn't talk to her because she's too close so I thought I'd give a stranger a go.

I didn't find it helpful at all, I think the woman I was speaking to felt out of her depth and just kept saying "I understand" which of course she can't.

In the end I said goodbye to her and got Mel round and Kev home - we sat on the bed crying and laughing together about the ridiculousness of the situation.

I think it was good for Kev to have Mel there because he feels scared and doesn't know what to do when I'm in that 'mood'. I ended up feeling better and sleeping well.

Medically, it was decided that I could have a two week break from the third dose of chemo to prove that is the cause of the emotional changes, in two weeks I can then have a reduced dose.

This was decided at pre-chemo with Dr Hickish, I was impressed to see my consultant doing pre-chemo clinics, he was excited that the chemo appears to have already made a difference with the cancer pain - but they have to see that I can't live like this - talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I'm happy with the decision to have a break and reduced dose - although I can't help think about the lack of physical effect??? I hate having options.

It was also decided that I do actually need a new line in - it had to be done as the old one was falling out and failing to bleed - everytime I went in for a blood test I would have to have needles in my hands - on one occasion it took five attempts to extract blood - that can't be right when I have a tube sticking out of my chest for that very purpose!

I have started attending the Macmillan Day Centre - it's fantastic, so relaxing. I have done some ceramic painting and a 'paint by numbers' picture, we get a meal, aromatherapy and reflexology and the company of others in a similar situation to me.

Everyone else is a fair bit older than me - but hey, I'm used to that. It doesn't matter, they are all very friendly, the only trouble is we have a 'nap time' after lunch and I've had complaints about my snoring! Again, friendly mocking but I can't help but feel embarrassed.

We have attended two fundraising balls in the past couple of weeks, Zoe (my sister-in-law) organised Storm in a D-Cup to raise money for her London Marathon run.

We had a fantastic night, lots of friends and family together having fun and managed to raise nearly £4000. I felt sad that I can't dance any more - I don't have the energy, I managed a bit of a boogie but thinking back to years gone by when I would have been on the dance floor all night does make me sad.

The other ball was The Cancer Research UK Pink Ball, Kev and I were invited as guests because of this journal.

It was a much 'posher' affair but absolutely stunning. The prizes in the raffle and auction were amazing - we had to sit on our hands!

Kev wanted a signed Wayne Rooney shirt and was devastated that it 'only' went for £500 - I'm glad he didn't have a moment of madness and wave his hands around. Apparently he reckons it'll double in value if we win the world cup - he's such a dreamer!!!

We had Leah's parent's night towards the end of term, she is doing really well, is reaching and extending beyond the targets set by the National Curriculum, her teacher described her as a 'Little Superstar' - I'm so proud.

I did have to well up when I read that Leah had written in her baby scrawl that she felt sad because her mummy was poorly - her teacher had written an interpretation underneath 'Leah came into school upset today because her mummy wouldn't stop crying and had to go back to bed. Leah told the class about her mummy being poorly and the class all thought quietly about Leah's mummy'.

Can you imagine it? A class of 5 year olds quietly thinking about me! I am so pleased though that Leah has the support she needs at school and can talk about our situation freely.

The ladies from the Breast Cancer Care course I went on in January have maintained email contact and support - just little updates on each other and encouraging messages - sadly though I had a text from one of them to say she has gone seriously down hill and has been too weak for her chemo.

She is convinced she is facing her last days, I have written and texted her to try to offer some sort of comfort and support but what the hell can you say? I'm so scared of not hearing back - or hearing from her husband that she has passed on.

I suppose the downside of getting to know people in similar situations to me is that we'll have to face the bad times as well.

I'm going to sign off now - I feel this is somewhat a garbled entry as so much has happened and I have left so long to update everything.

Kev and I are going to the Cotwolds for a long weekend on Friday after my reduced chemo and a CT scan - hopefully it will re-connect us and remind us of the couple that we are rather than the freakshow we feel like - long may this lovely weather last.