I haven’t written in here for a while which means things are going well! Things are going really well; each cycle of chemo is slightly more manageable, more because I know what to expect than that the side effects are less severe.

I have chemo on a Tuesday, the Wednesday & Thursday I will feel tired and sick. The weekend will be fine but then on the Tuesday is when I (and my family) really suffer. I turn into a monster!

I feel panicky, irrational and very low; I have started to see the Macmillan Clinical Psychologist again to see if she can help me manage those low times.

The professionals have all reassured me that these feelings I have are quite normal but that doesn’t help when I’m going through it.

The CP has suggested I arrange to do things I particularly enjoy for the days when I know I will feel low, I am going to book a hot stone massage for this cycle!

I read an article in a tabloid newspaper about a doctor who has secondary breast cancer with liver & spine metastases (same as me).

She was in the paper because the NHS wouldn’t fund the most suitable treatment for her – her doctors had told her that Selective Internal Radiation Therapy would be her best option and could extend her life from 18 months to 20 years.

I hate reading articles like that because I start to wonder if I’m getting the best treatment and if I should be being more pro-active about my treatment.

It’s also hard not to get excited when I hear about supposed ‘miracle’ cures. I spoke to my doctor about this treatment and he said he & his colleagues had been surprised to read that a doctor had gone to the papers with this story and how can anyone predict a prognosis of 20 years?

He told me that he is aware of the treatment and it can be successful – but that radiotherapy of any sort can only be directed at specific parts of the body whereas chemotherapy will treat the whole body because it goes into your blood stream.

I now understand that radiotherapy and possibly this SIRT will be an option for me later on but at the moment as I am responding so well to the chemotherapy that I am on then I need to stick at this.

I heard from the husband of one of the ladies I met on the Breast Cancer Care workshop, his wife passed away over Easter, I knew she’d died because I hadn’t heard from her in a while and last time we spoke she was very poorly, never-the-less it was still a shock, I guess it brought it home that the death bit really does happen.

She had been ill for 4 years, but when I met her in October and January she was so positive and full of fight, I am shocked at how quickly she deteriorated.

Her children we 14 yrs, 12 yrs & 8 yrs and they have lost an amazing mother– that doesn’t bear thinking about.

I am benefitting greatly from attending the Macmillan Day Centre, I was told of for referring to my painting as ‘painting by numbers’ because although I colour in a picture I am blending all the colours myself and bringing to life a 2d picture.

It is so relaxing and rewarding. The down side of the Day Centre is spending time and making friends with people who are terminally ill, although it is so good to be with people who understand how I feel, the support is amazing – but these people are really ill and seeing people who are further along in their illness than me is really quite scary.

So...I’m off to the hospital this afternoon for chemo, but that’s fine, all my support is in place and I have things to look forward to.

Next week is half term and we have a couple of days out planned and a couple of days when the girls are out so I can relax, the best of both worlds.