After 18 years (I kid you not) I have to admit my ‘Stonebreaker’ mountain bike, the pride and joy of my former 14 year old self, has seen better days. Not only does it click and clunk its way wherever we go, but for some reason its frame seems to be filled with lead weights. Not ideal for some of the more challenging rides I’ve been attempting recently.

Cue countless hours test riding the latest models which I have to confess, with no hint of unfaithfulness to my previous loyal stead, are a vast improvement on what passed for a decent set of (two) wheels a couple of decades ago.

A substantial cut in my bank account later and I’m the proud owner of a brand spanking new toy. Unbelievably this little number has cost more than my car – but she’s worth every penny.

Complete with front suspension (kerbs and potholes are no longer my enemy), hydraulic disc brakes (feel the power) and an aluminium frame she’s light as a feather (well near enough) and quite honestly an absolute stunner. I think I’m actually a little bit in love.

Now I’m a big fan of the ‘if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it’ principle but somehow, in the middle of all this excitement, I also managed to purchase a pair of SPD pedals. For those of you not in the know, SPDs (or Shimano Pedalling Dynamics) are a system of clipping-in, or attaching a specially designed shoe to the pedal. They apparently improve performance - great, but on the other hand you are attached to your bike at all times – not so great. Setting my concerns aside I listened to the faithful assurances of my partner that they do (usually) come off when you crash. Well, that’s ok then.

With the benefit of hindsight, and some rather embarrassing evidence to the contrary, I have to say I’m not so sure these SPDs are all they’re cracked up to be. The issue isn’t so much the shoes themselves – it’s remembering you’re wearing them that’s the problem. The first time I ventured out I had to steady myself on a stationary car – much to the irritation of the disgruntled owner. I hasten to add my hand did no lasting damage to his bodywork, but the incident put a serious dent in my confidence. So far not so good. But I’m no quitter.

So last week I took my brand new baby off road. Scrambling up and down scree, over tree roots, and through streams I thought I was really starting to get the hang of it. Famous last words. Next thing I know I’m upside down in a ditch, my pride in tatters, along with a pretty large proportion of my body. Stopping briefly at the local bikers retreat to refuel and compare war wounds with fellow riders I was ashamed to admit mine weren’t the result of some impressive manoeuvre - but simply a rather poorly negotiated 90 degree bend. Thanks mainly to the aforementioned SPDs.

I’m now sporting a bruise the shape, and pretty much size, of Australia on my right buttock and every time I shower I discover a new purple blemish to add to the collection. But that’s not the worst of it - the significant chunk of metal missing from my previously pristine bicycle won’t be healing itself anytime soon.

They say it’s best to get straight back in the saddle...and I’m inclined to agree. So this weekend I’ll be donning my helmet, borrowing the boyfriend’s shin pads, raiding the snowboarding kit for wrist guards and basically bubble wrapping myself in whatever protective wear I can get my hands on. Third time lucky? I’d like to say I’m keeping my fingers crossed but in all honestly I’ll be gripping the handlebars and holding on for dear life.