I THINK my fascination with cod psychology probably started at the same time I started reading Jackie magazine; all those ‘How do you know he loves you?’/‘Ten signs that he’s a loon’/‘Discover if you’re a winter, autumn, spring or summer personality’ articles were meat and drink to my pre-teen brain.

So naturally I was fascinated by the claims of clinical psychologist Dr Jennifer Baumgartner, an American who appears to have spent her days studying what women wear and how what we wear reveals our personality. Apparently.

I’m sure she’s put a lot of effort into all this and is much cleverer than me. But that hasn’t stopped me wondering if J-Baum has ever met any normal women. Like me and my mates.

According to Dr J our wardrobe ‘Tells others the secrets we are trying to hide’. For instance, festooning oneself with bling implies you are insecure and may have financial difficulties, she is reported to have said. Exposing too much cleavage could mean you are power-hungry and keen for control.

Wearing high heels can make women appear ‘less intelligent’ and an older woman who wears a short skirt is indicating she has difficulty in accepting she is a grown up.

Who knew? Well, not me, for starters. The reason I insist on wearing mini-skirts all winter isn’t because I can’t accept I’m grown up – I know how old I am every time I see myself in the mirror – but because I reckon my legs are the only good bit left. The reason I don’t wear high heels all the time isn’t because I’m trying to look clever but because the idea of slipping my discs again breaks me into a cold sweat.

Dr J reckons that: “All of our behaviours, from the food we eat to the men we date are motivated by internal factors.” Up her neck of the woods maybe, but I reckon real women will beg to differ. Here’s why...

If a woman is exposing too much cleavage... it’s probably because the button’s burst off her blouse and she’s too lazy/knackered/disorganised to repair it. Or she just bought the wrong-sized top. (Easily done in a nation where my own size veers alarmingly from 8 to 14, depending on which shop I’m in.) If a woman wears high heels... it’s because she’s short and would like to appear taller.

Wearing too-tight jeans means she has either borrowed a pair from her teenage daughter or secretly eaten all the pies.

If a woman is spotted in a grey hoodie with chewed cuffs, Kurt Cobain tee and a pair of black Converse hi-tops... it means she’s desperately trying to get some wear out of her teenage son’s cast-offs (ahem) because she cannot see it all go to the charity shop after being worn for just the three weeks before he grew out of it.

Wearing lots of jewellery means you are either the Queen. Or very, very rich.

If a woman owns lots of cardigans... she is probably a journalist. (Not only do they keep you warm; I have been known to wear three at a time, they are also jolly convenient when it comes to disguising a backside that resembles the shape of Wayne Rooney’s head, caused by decades of sitting down, hammering out stuff like this.) If you spot a woman wearing fishnet tights, topped off with too-tight satin shorts... you have probably bought a ticket to a concert by Madonna.

And finally, just so those who still do it know... if you spot a woman wearing real fur, snakeskin or crocodile then she is a cold-hearted witch who deserves to be made to spend the rest of her days wearing the kind of underwear that porn addicts buy for their wives.

• Every so often over the past few years this paper has asked me to produce amusing lists of my likes and dislikes. After an horrendous journey to work, recently, I have discovered something that irritates me even more than Cherie Blair. And that is people who sincerely believe that on the Bournemouth Spur Road they can overtake a lorry that’s doing 50mph in the slow lane... by doing 52mph in the fast lane. And then, when they have accomplished the task, choosing to remain there.